5:02p.m. 8 August 2016
Means of Production (2)
Kombucha is not the same as Kalimotxo and, what is more, it is less apparently
Mexican; less confusing; better for you. And you won’t have the Burgundy Lobby
waiting for you in your burgundy lobby when you get home: shouting, cussing
screaming, saying things that are not as obviously plot-driven as “Why are you
mixing our delicious red, red wine with this so-called Coca-Cola that we picked up for
next to nothing, next door, in the 7/11. Why don’t you drink fermented Green Tea
drink instead, for example. ”
At which point it is important to note that Kombucha can cost anywhere from
nothing to a hundred squirrels in your local Real Foods or other such lifestyle
Don’t be alarmed.
And in order to not be alarmed think back to that Ealing Comedy Classic from 1951
called The Man in the White Suit.
Recall with me how the main character who is called Sidney Stratton, but who any
fool knows is in fact Alec Guinness, goes as far as to invent a fabric that is water-,
dirt-, and wear-resistant.
Fancy that for a minute if you will.
And then Recall the intrigue that ensues as the wealthy mill-owners and attendant
cronies attempt to suppress his invention.
“What on earth kind of a garment industry will we be king-pins of
in two weeks time if this Sidney Stratton character, who is actually
Guinness incognito, starts manufacturing beautiful white suits that
remain pristine in perpetuity?” One can imagine being the sort of
question the wealthy mill-owners would rhetorically aim at their
And why not briefly imagine too the cronies attempting to respond as if
aforementioned hypothetical was not rhetorical and that they might get pay-rise or
brownie-points for intuition, only to be back-hand slapped across the mezzanine
area by a skinny Caucasian with donuts on the breath.
And but back to what’s not alarming about all this.
And that is that whilst the initial purchase of the suit ranges (coincidentally) in price
from none to a hundred squirrels there is every chance that you won’t need another
And this really is the Colonel of the matter. The Regimental Sergeant Major of what’s
going on here and why all these words have fallen in, in this particular order, in
serried ranks on the page here. At attention: drawing attention to themselves.
And it is this that allows me to seguay so neatly between a suit of incontestably fine
fabric to a suite of accidentally healthy probiotic enzymes.
And what I mean by a suite of accidentally healthy probiotic enzymes is more or less
what Yakult meant by saying that their yoghurty drink contained Good Bacteria –
even if they were lying, which I’m not saying they were.
This so-called good bacteria is the first form of community engendered by
kombucha, it is The Community in the Mouth (1), and then to the stomach of course
too, and so on and so the Firth of Forth smells of sewage. But that’s another matter
And what this first community means is that when you buy one bottle of Kombucha
you are also and at the same time buying the means to produce a theoretically
infinite amount of kombucha yourself….
Fancy that! you say, and you’d be right. But you’d also be interrupting.
… because a small amount of kombucha, if left at room temperature, will magically
transform into a Symbiotic Culture of Bacteria and Yeast which can be added to
some green tea to make more Kombucha which can be distributed accordingly.
So community (2) is the community of people who enter into non-exploitative
relations with one another in which the only currency is yeast and ISAs are not
ideological state apparatuses but individual savings accounts made of glass that
contain sweetened green tea.
In that sense then in it’s actually a lot more exciting than Alec Guinness’ suit.
As a business model it is what Kevin Bacon wouldcall a “Brainer” in so far as it is not
immediately apparent why anyone would need to buy more than one bottle.
But then again who has the time to brew their own Kombucha?
That, like the smell of the Firth of Forth, is another matter entirely. And like that
matter it is intricately connected to the matter in hand in much the same way as the
lower intestine connects to the upper and so to the stomach, etc., etc.
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